Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.
Added: 3 weeks ago
02:46
Congressman Asks Who Left Fish Sandwich On House Floor
Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.
Added: 3 weeks ago
02:46
Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage
Rep. Iscoe (R-MO) warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vaginas so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.
Added: 4 weeks ago
02:25
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt Free
Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it had never been born.
Added: 4 weeks ago
02:57
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.
Added: a month ago
04:16
Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes
Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.
Added: a month ago
02:25
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.
Added: a month ago
02:47
NHL WooS Fans By Increasing Net Size, Adding 3-Point Line
Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.
Added: a month ago
01:58
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.
Added: a month ago
02:17
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing
Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.
Added: a month ago
02:22
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.
Added: a month ago
02:21
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.
Added: a month ago
02:37
Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show
On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!
Added: 2 months ago
03:32
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Non-Binding Resolutions
Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.
Added: 2 months ago
02:01
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don't do their own work.
Added: 2 months ago
02:26
Is There Too Much Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.
Added: 2 months ago
02:36
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
Added: 2 months ago
02:15
Treasury Dpt. Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars
Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.
Added: 2 months ago
01:52
Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face
Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.
Added: 2 months ago
01:55
Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.ther people from wind-borne rubble.
Added: 2 months ago
02:17
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.
Added: 3 months ago
02:06
Today Now! Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.
Added: 3 months ago
03:08
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
<i>Business</i> Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.
Added: 3 months ago
02:25
Rep's War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed
Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed
Added: 3 months ago
02:19
Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets
Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought the
non-flesh-shredding bullets.
Added: 3 months ago
02:09
Scientists Find Skeleton Of Nature's First Sexual Predator
Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.
Added: 3 months ago
02:10
NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams
Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation.
Added: 3 months ago
02:25
Experts Agree Giant Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.
Added: 3 months ago
02:37
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine $2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby
Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Added: 4 months ago
02:05
Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Affair
Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.
Added: 4 months ago
02:27
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry
The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags it sends.
Added: 4 months ago
03:47
Are Video Games Preparing Kids For The Apocalypse?
Panelists debate whether games like <i>Fallout 3</i> and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times.
Added: 4 months ago
02:05
East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women
Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.
Added: 4 months ago
02:18
Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer
On "Today Now", Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer.
Added: 4 months ago
02:49
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things.
Added: 4 months ago
02:30
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.
Added: 4 months ago
02:06
Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team
The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now.
Added: 4 months ago
02:23
Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
Our panelists debate whether TV programs like "A Double Shot At Love" and "The Bad Girls Club" depict unattainable levels of skankiness.
Added: 4 months ago
02:27
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea
From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.
Added: 4 months ago
02:16
How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping, Severing Your Spine
Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.
Added: 4 months ago
03:06
Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.
Added: 5 months ago
03:28
Police Say School Shooter Had History Of School Shootings
Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.
Added: 5 months ago
02:40
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars
Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, you'll barely be able to tell they have no souls.
Added: 9 months ago
02:40
Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas
In an appeal to working class voters, Barack Obama claimed his economic plan would save millions of backbreaking, mind-numbing shitty jobs.
Added: 9 months ago
02:25
Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life
After comprehending the capricious nature of fate, the Jaguars could not go through with the charade of playing a meaningless football game.
Added: 9 months ago
02:40
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse
The sudden drop in demand for "Buck Fush" T-shirts and "Hail to the Chimp" posters could leave millions unemployed.
Added: 9 months ago
02:41
Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV
On Today Now! paranormal detective Leonard Higgs explains that using ghosts to solve crimes actually involves a lot of paperwork.
Added: 10 months ago
02:45
Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the grouchiest candidate possible.
Added: 10 months ago
03:05
Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South
Texas residents are relieved that the deadly Category 5 storm just missed them, destroying a horn-shaped land mass south of them instead.
Added: 10 months ago
02:11
Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans
Overjoyed civil rights leaders say that Barack Obama has paved the way for future black politicians to be smeared as country club snobs.
Added: 10 months ago
02:21
Latest Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide Election
The Chinese government explained that the fatal disease is caused by the excitement of the Olympics, not infected birds, as was previously reported.
Added: 10 months ago
02:40
Californians Gather To Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition
Residents took part in rituals like picking through the charred remains of their homes and feigning shock that this could happen to them.
Added: 10 months ago
01:44
Chinese Officials: Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever
The Chinese government explained that the fatal disease is caused by the excitement of the Olympics, not infected birds, as was previously reported.
Added: 10 months ago
01:37
Astronaut Suspects NASA Using Him To Test Space's Effects On Fat People
Mission specialist Robert Barrett first became suspicious when he noticed most of his tasks involved measuring his waist and eating cookie dough.
Added: 10 months ago
02:15
Study: Watching Under Four Hours Of TV Impairs Ability To Mock Pop Culture
The spokesdrone will field questions deemed too dangerous for a human press secretary, whose career could be irreparably damaged by answering them.
Added: 10 months ago
01:48
Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
Cosmo scientists have finally cataloged every single way to satisfy your man's carnal cravings by stimulating his secret sex zones. ONN
Added: 10 months ago
01:58
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics
Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp.
Added: 11 months ago
02:23
The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?
In The Know' panelists discuss whether our athletes will be able to escape the bamboo cages the Chinese government will try to imprison them in.
Added: 11 months ago
02:09
Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food.
Added: 11 months ago
01:38
Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream
Today Now! shares a delicious omelet recipe you can make at home with just a few simple and surreal ingredients.
Added: 11 months ago
02:54
No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate
Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly.
Added: 11 months ago
01:57
Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 8 Years
Pausing only to eat, the West Highland white terrier yips and yelps 24 hours a day, according to neighbors.
Added: 11 months ago
01:22
Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff Enters 11,680th Day
The threat of nuclear war hangs over the region with no end in sight, just as it has for the past three decades.
Added: 11 months ago
02:30
Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Anti-Drug Initiative
Before a new program to combat crystal meth can be put into place, Congress has to make sure it has a really awesome name.
Added: 11 months ago
02:49
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency
President Bush will seek to comfort victims of his presidency as they try to make sense of the destruction he has caused.
Added: 12 months ago
02:57
Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013
Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.
Added: over a year ago
00:10
Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions.
Added: over a year ago
00:10
High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds
High school theater's brightest stars gathered last night to see who would take home the coveted award for Most Awkward Kiss.
Added: over a year ago
01:49
Study Finds Most Children Not In Favor Of Children's Healthcare
A recent survey of children found that they are overwhelmingly opposed to increased doctor visits and vaccinations.
Added: over a year ago
01:43
Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'
World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World Of Warcraft.
Added: over a year ago
02:58
U.S. Finally Gets Around To Closing Final WWII Internment Camp
White House Press Secretary Debra Browning reminds reporters that there were 20 other camps that the U.S. successfully closed on time.
Added: over a year ago
01:52
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating.
Added: over a year ago
01:54
Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat
After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat.
Added: over a year ago
01:26
2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
Added: over a year ago
02:13
Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
Added: over a year ago
03:28
Horrific 120-Car Pileup A Sad Reminder Of Princess Diana's Death
As the wreckage from the massive car wreck continues to smolder, one can't help but think of the accident that claimed the life of the People's Princess.
Added: over a year ago
02:03
Historic 'Blockbuster' Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past
The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes.
Added: over a year ago
02:07
McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists
John McCain claims that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by eliminating the Secret Service and defending himself instead.
Added: over a year ago
01:39
Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now
Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.
Added: over a year ago
02:57
NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team
The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality.
Added: over a year ago
01:50
Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak
In their final moments, two American astronauts display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak.
Added: over a year ago
02:23
Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night
A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening.
Added: over a year ago
01:17
Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film
Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
Added: over a year ago
02:42
Congress Debates Merits Of Representative's New Catchphrase
Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word 'pronk' as a legitimate catchphrase.
Added: over a year ago
02:49
Breaking News: Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie
Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.
Added: over a year ago
02:48
Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.
Added: over a year ago
02:12
9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says
An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.
Added: over a year ago
03:28
Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall
The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible.
Added: over a year ago
02:56
China Celebrates Its Status As World's Number One Air Polluter
China revels in a UN report that found it has the highest smog levels in the world, a sure sign of China's progress and prosperity.
Added: over a year ago
02:46
Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.
Added: over a year ago
02:58
Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day
Girls between the ages of 8 and 14 spent the day helping their parents fight insurgents and defuse mines.
Added: over a year ago
01:41
White House Press Secretary Spins Wife's Tragic Death As A Positive
Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife, instead focusing on the President's agenda.
Added: over a year ago
02:49
Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?
Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives.
Added: over a year ago
02:17
Report: American Schools Trail Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers
Public schools are under fire after a shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.
Added: over a year ago
02:24
Queen Elizabeth II Will Leave Behind Long Legacy Of Waving
As Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest-ever British Monarch, the Onion News Network takes a look at some of the most significant waving moments from her reign.
Added: over a year ago
02:23
International Scandal: Don Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide To Create Film Role
UN officials confirmed that Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle funded the genocide in Darfur for the purpose of starring in a film about the tragedy.
Added: over a year ago
02:17
Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas
The nations poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold.
Added: over a year ago
01:56
Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?
Panelists discuss whether animals should play a more active role in the fight for their rights by participating in marches or organizing boycotts.
Added: over a year ago
02:15
Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At The Strong Women In TV Awards
Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy.
Added: over a year ago
02:30
Reporters Expose Security Lapses By Smuggling Bomb On Plane, Blowing It Up
271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security.
Added: over a year ago
02:45
Our Troops In Iraq
The nation's oldest and most respected news analysis program hosted by Clifford Banes, the nation's oldest and most respected newsman.
Added: over a year ago
01:45
Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East
The State Department releases details of Rice's upcoming diplomatic journey.
Added: over a year ago
00:52
A Friend's Cancer: Good For You?
A new study finds that having sick friends may improve your physique.
Added: over a year ago
01:19
Panda Demands Abortion
National Zoo's giant panda Yun Mei has set off a storm of protest. The Onion News Network's Brian Scott tells you why.
Added: over a year ago
02:35
The U.S. Moat
Panelists discuss the need to protect America's borders with a moat.
Added: over a year ago
01:45
Do You Remember Life Before The Segway?
Panelists discuss how the Segway personal transporter has revolutionized American life.
Added: over a year ago
01:46
Report: 70% Of All Praise Sarcastic
Is that compliment real or not? A new report tells you how to know the difference.
Added: over a year ago
01:28
Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line
The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas.
Added: over a year ago
01:22
Teenagers and Alcohol
Panelists discuss how we can adequately prepare our high-school students to drink at the college level.
Added: over a year ago
01:55
War On Terror
Our success in the war on terrorism may lead to other problems: Terrorist ghosts.
Added: over a year ago
01:26
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.
Added: over a year ago
02:09
J.K. Rowling Hints At Harry Potter Date Rape
Making good on her claim that the seventh and final book in the popular series will be the "darkest yet," author J.K. Rowling revealed today that a major character will be the victim of date rape.
Added: over a year ago
02:02
America Braces For New Wayans Brothers Movie
One year after Little Man, panelists discuss whether America can handle another movie from the Wayans Brothers.
Added: over a year ago
01:25
Study: Most Alzheimer's Patients Misdiagnosed, Say Alzheimer's Patients
Interviews with Alzheimers patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine.
Added: over a year ago
01:07
Liechtenstein Successfully Tests Teeny Tiny Nuclear Bomb
In violation of non-proliferation agreement, the little nation has developed an itsy bitsy arsenal of destruction.
Added: over a year ago
01:04
Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%
Panelists discuss the political repercussions of a new poll showing Kim Jong-Il's approval rating at an all time low of 120%.
Added: over a year ago
01:39
Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'
The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.
Added: over a year ago
01:29
U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters
Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions.
Added: over a year ago
01:36
Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Due to rising domestic wages, many American parents are saving money by using unregulated overseas workers.
Added: over a year ago
01:29
Live From Congress: Rep. Ingersoll's Murder of a Hobo
Congressman Robert Ingersol (R-SC) reads detailed report in the House of Representatives on his recent killing of a hobo.
Added: over a year ago
01:59
Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash
Officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.
Added: over a year ago
03:08
U.S. Department Of Lost And Found: We Found Your Flip Flop
If you've lost something, the U.S. Dept. of Lost and Found can help you find it. This week's featured items: a flip flop and a book.
Added: over a year ago
01:17
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.
Added: over a year ago
01:15
In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?
Panelists discuss a new report that found only 84% of education funding goes to teaching children about whales.
Added: over a year ago
02:25
Time Releases Annual List Of Least Influential Americans
Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week.
Added: over a year ago
02:00
In The Know: Is Our Wealth Hurting Africa's Feelings?
Panelists discuss whether we should spare Africa's feelings by not telling them about the global economy.
Added: over a year ago
02:06
NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'
On the eve of the Sears Classic 500, legendary NASCAR coach Dan Amon shares his strategy for driving really fast in circles.
Added: over a year ago
02:48
Live From Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls For A Ladies' Night Out
Rep. Juliana Hardy's resolution would provide a well-deserved night on the town for her and best friend Rep. Lisa Jean Conroy.
Added: over a year ago
01:32
Human Head Found In Hamburger
An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King.
Added: over a year ago
01:15
In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?
Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America's obese children lose weight.
Added: over a year ago
02:13
Military Ban On Gays For Their Own Protection, Says General
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.
Added: over a year ago
01:58
In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote
Panelists discuss the "idgit," or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uniformed demographic that invariably decides elections.
Added: over a year ago
02:32
World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100
Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.
Added: over a year ago
02:17
Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007
U.S. Representative Benjamin Sinclair (R-Ohio) has a plan to reduce skull fucking levels in America by 5 to 7%.
Added: over a year ago
02:49
Beyonce Unhurt After Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead
Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby.
Added: over a year ago
01:34
National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands?
If you've misplaced something, the National Department of Lost and Found is the place to turn.
Added: over a year ago
02:13
Missing Girl Probably Raped
Bloomington, IN police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Onion News Network reporter Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.
Added: over a year ago
02:54
In The Know: The Widening Gap Between America's Rich And Super-Rich
Panelists react to a new study that proves the gap between the wealthy and the incredibly wealthy is widening, and discuss ways to help the merely rich improve their lot.
Added: over a year ago
02:49
'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools
The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students useful skills like rifle assembly and precision marching.
Added: over a year ago
01:44
In The Know: Should Americans Return To A Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?
Panelists reminisce about how much better things used to be 10,000 years ago.
Added: over a year ago
01:36
Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital
Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him.
Added: over a year ago
01:39
O-SPAN: Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War
A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the tasty chips and salsa Rep. Norman Fisher (D-RI) brought to the hearing.
Added: over a year ago
03:08
Obama To Hold Performance Reviews With All American Workers
The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.
Added: a week ago
02:13
