Onion News Network
The Onion News Network has set the standard for globe-encompassing 24-hour television news since it was founded in December, 1892.
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Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency
President Bush will seek to comfort victims of his presidency as they try to make sense of the destruction he has caused.
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Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013
Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.
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Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions.
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High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds
High school theater's brightest stars gathered last night to see who would take home the coveted award for Most Awkward Kiss.
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Study Finds Most Children Not In Favor Of Childrens Healthcare
A recent survey of children found that they are overwhelmingly opposed to increased doctor visits and vaccinations.
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Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'
World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World Of Warcraft.
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U.S. Finally Gets Around To Closing Final WWII Internment Camp
White House Press Secretary Debra Browning reminds reporters that there were 20 other camps that the U.S. successfully closed on time.
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New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating.
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Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat
After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat.
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2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
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Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'
Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger.
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Horrific 120-Car Pileup A Sad Reminder Of Princess Dianas Death
As the wreckage from the massive car wreck continues to smolder, one can't help but think of the accident that claimed the life of the People's Princess.
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Historic Blockbuster Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past
The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes.
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McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists
John McCain claims that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by eliminating the Secret Service and defending himself instead.
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Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now
Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.
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NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team
The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality.
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Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak
In their final moments, two American astronauts display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak.
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Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night
A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening.
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Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film
Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
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Congress Debates Merits Of Representatives New Catchphrase
Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word pronk as a legitimate catchphrase.
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Breaking News: Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie
Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.
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Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.
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9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says
An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.
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Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall
The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible.
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China Celebrates Its Status As Worlds Number One Air Polluter
China revels in a UN report that found it has the highest smog levels in the world, a sure sign of Chinas progress and prosperity.
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Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.
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Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day
Girls between the ages of 8 and 14 spent the day helping their parents fight insurgents and defuse mines.
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White House Press Secretary Spins Wifes Tragic Death As A Positive
Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife, instead focusing on the President's agenda.
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Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?
Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives.
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Report: American Schools Trail Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers
Public schools are under fire after a shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing.
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Queen Elizabeth II Will Leave Behind Long Legacy Of Waving
As Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest-ever British Monarch, the Onion News Network takes a look at some of the most significant waving moments from her reign.
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International Scandal: Don Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide To Create Film Role
UN officials confirmed that Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle funded the genocide in Darfur for the purpose of starring in a film about the tragedy.
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Report: Nations Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas
The nations poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold.
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Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?
Panelists discuss whether animals should play a more active role in the fight for their rights by participating in marches or organizing boycotts.
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Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At The Strong Women In TV Awards
Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy.
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Reporters Expose Security Lapses By Smuggling Bomb On Plane, Blowing It Up
271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security.
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Immigration: The Human Cost
The Onion News Network's Jean Anne Whorton looks at how immigration has affected one former corporate executive.
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Our Troops In Iraq
The nation's oldest and most respected news analysis program hosted by Clifford Banes, the nation's oldest and most respected newsman.
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Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East
The State Department releases details of Rice's upcoming diplomatic journey.
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A Friend's Cancer: Good For You?
A new study finds that having sick friends may improve your physique.
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Panda Demands Abortion
National Zoo's giant panda Yun Mei has set off a storm of protest. The Onion News Network's Brian Scott tells you why.
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The U.S. Moat
Panelists discuss the need to protect America's borders with a moat.
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Something Happening In Haiti
Important news out of Haiti's capital today. The Onion's Don Abrams reports live.
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Do You Remember Life Before The Segway?
Panelists discuss how the Segway personal transporter has revolutionized American life.
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Report: 70% Of All Praise Sarcastic
Is that compliment real or not? A new report tells you how to know the difference.
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Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line
The Onion News Network's Brian Scott reports on a popular new Gap clothing line hand-sewn by children overseas.
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Newman Honored For Efforts in Salad Dressing
ctor Paul Newman received a lifetime achievement award in recognition of his contributions to condiments.
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Teenagers and Alcohol
Panelists discuss how we can adequately prepare our high-school students to drink at the college level.
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New Abortion Bill To Require Fetal Consent
A new bill would require any woman seeking an abortion to obtain the consent of her fetus.
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War On Terror
Our success in the war on terrorism may lead to other problems: Terrorist ghosts.
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Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress.
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J.K. Rowling Hints At Harry Potter Date Rape
Making good on her claim that the seventh and final book in the popular series will be the "darkest yet," author J.K. Rowling revealed today that a major character will be the victim of date rape.
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America Braces For New Wayans Brothers Movie
One year after Little Man, panelists discuss whether America can handle another movie from the Wayans Brothers.
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Study: Most Alzheimer's Patients Misdiagnosed, Say Alzheimer's Patients
Interviews with Alzheimers patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine.
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Liechtenstein Successfully Tests Teeny Tiny Nuclear Bomb
In violation of non-proliferation agreement, the little nation has developed an itsy bitsy arsenal of destruction.
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Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%
Panelists discuss the political repercussions of a new poll showing Kim Jong-Il's approval rating at an all time low of 120%.
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Tired Of Traffic? A New DOT Report Urges Drivers: 'Honk'
The Department of Transportation reports gridlock can be eliminated by simply honking your car's horn.
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U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters
Have you lost something? The U.S. Department of Lost and Found helps Americans find their misplaced possessions.
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Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Due to rising domestic wages, many American parents are saving money by using unregulated overseas workers.
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Live From Congress: Rep. Ingersoll's Murder of a Hobo
Congressman Robert Ingersol (R-SC) reads detailed report in the House of Representatives on his recent killing of a hobo.
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Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash
Officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.
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U.S. Department Of Lost And Found: We Found Your Flip Flop
If you've lost something, the U.S. Dept. of Lost and Found can help you find it. This week's featured items: a flip flop and a book.
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Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study.
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In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?
Panelists discuss a new report that found only 84% of education funding goes to teaching children about whales.
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Time Releases Annual List Of Least Influential Americans
Time Magazine's eagerly anticipated annual list of the 299 million least influential Americans hits newsstands this week.
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In The Know: Is Our Wealth Hurting Africas Feelings?
Panelists discuss whether we should spare Africa's feelings by not telling them about the global economy.
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NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'
On the eve of the Sears Classic 500, legendary NASCAR coach Dan Amon shares his strategy for driving really fast in circles.
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Live From Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls For A Ladies' Night Out
Rep. Juliana Hardy's resolution would provide a well-deserved night on the town for her and best friend Rep. Lisa Jean Conroy.
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Human Head Found In Hamburger
An Albany, New York man was surprised to find a human head in his Double Whopper at a local Burger King.
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In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?
Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America's obese children lose weight.
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Military Ban On Gays For Their Own Protection, Says General
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military.
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In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote
Panelists discuss the "idgit," or idiot, voter -- the unpredictable, uniformed demographic that invariably decides elections.
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World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100
Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best -- performing surgery on the human brain.
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Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007
U.S. Representative Benjamin Sinclair (R-Ohio) has a plan to reduce skull fucking levels in America by 5 to 7%.
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Beyonce Unhurt After Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead
Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby.
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National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands?
If you've misplaced something, the National Department of Lost and Found is the place to turn.
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Missing Girl Probably Raped
Bloomington, IN police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Onion News Network reporter Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape.
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In The Know: The Widening Gap Between America's Rich And Super-Rich
Panelists react to a new study that proves the gap between the wealthy and the incredibly wealthy is widening, and discuss ways to help the merely rich improve their lot.
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'Students First In Line' Program To Offer Job Training At Needy Schools
The nation's poorest schools will receive extra government funding to teach their students useful skills like rifle assembly and precision marching.
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In The Know: Should Americans Return To A Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?
Panelists reminisce about how much better things used to be 10,000 years ago.
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